Today.

Today, I learned things about myself.

I learned that I hate being alone. I also learned that since I’ve been honest with the world about what I’m going through, I have to cope with that fact that people now have a reason to turn their backs on me, in which they have.

I have learned that I wont allow people to love me. I keep fooling myself with things I say, but I honestly can’t fathom really what love is, because “love” has been given to me in many forms, including mental and verbal abuse.

I learned that my Dad is a sometimes person. Sometimes he’s proud of me, sometimes he’s not. I got an excellent job with benefits just from networking, and he despises of the fact I took that job. Yet, he is estatic about me doing decently at an interview (in which I don’t know if I got the job), for a job that has less hours, and less chances of movement, and he’s proud of that.

I learned that the only control I have granted myself in my life is that of chaos. When you live a bipolar life, everything is ups and downs; blacks and whites; completely randomized opposites. So to counteract the randomized instability from the yin yang, I take hold of the crazy in my life, and use it to stabilize whats going on. For instance, I never clean my room, because a messy room will always be messy if you don’t clean it. Stability within chaos.

I learned that when I haven’t had enough to eat, alcohol gets to me really fast, and stays in my system really long.

I mean I learned so much today about the world, and myself. But I have also come to learn about how my moods contrast with my mental state.

I go to bed wishing I were dead every night. Events play through my head about how I messed something up during a presentation, and how people find me incompatible, difficult, and just plain crazy. So the one person who thinks nothing like that of me (or so they say), I’m forcing out of my life through erratic behavior. Why? Because its a more stable than my stable situation coming in, and I’m refusing to acknowledge the slow transition. Sadly, my brain works on the “black and white” theory of  rationalizing.

So I end this evening knowing that I’ve made more mistakes than willingly, and fucked up alot of stuff along the way. I’ve hidden myself so much, to bring out the real me, is so new, that I don’t even know how to share myself without being an audiobook.