I Made a Promise…

I made a promise to myself to blog when I’m feeling down. I’m feeling down.

I just lost a lifelong friend. She succumbed to cancer this morning at 4 am. I am devastated. I have not eaten nor drank anything. I’m refusing to verbally speak to someone, because every time I try, I get so choked up, I can’t speak. And here’s the kicker: I’m alone.

Forget all of the empty promises of “I’ll be there for you when you need me the most”. I just want to bury my head in someone’s lap and cry. My family all lives out of state. I do not have a boyfriend. None of my best friends even live in the state, and I’m very picky as to who I let touch me.

I humbled myself to ask a friend to take the time to reach out to me, and instead was reduced to “dealing with problems like every body else does”. This comes from the person who suffered a loss a month ago, and I was right there to be that shoulder.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted to, or have reached out to a person who is less than receptive of our feelings. They disregard our emotions as if they are those of a child crying for candy. When we truly are bereaved for a reason, and not just based on a chemical imbalance, they are quick not to believe anything we say, and to point the finger calling us selfish for attention and considered unworthy of their time. We’ve all been through that person.

Some of us who suffer didn’t make it through that person. We didn’t have the strength to progress through the hurtful words and allegations. Morbid thoughts obsessively rush through our minds as we think of nobody else in the world being there, because we are alone: physically and mentally. We are so quick to want to end it all because when the real suffering hits, its a snowball effect into the worst possible depressive episode ever.

Yet, those who don’t suffer, don’t understand.

So those of you who are suffering through tragedy, don’t let those people get you down. They really are just in denial of their own problems, so they displace their feelings and their misguided guilt onto you so they don’t have to feel anything but numbness. Do not let them rule your emotions to the point where you devalue yourself and you start thinking suicide. They are not worth it. They are the real enemies of people like us: taking us for granted and toying with our trust. We all know people like that. And while they deserve a chance, like anybody else, their words are to be taken lightly when they are not those that are helpful.

And if you are friend to someone suffering through a tragedy, by all means reach out to them. The worst thing you can do is give a depressed person cyanide. Yes, at times we may come off needy, but trust, we don’t want to. Don’t judge us as who we are based on perceptions from our disease. Yes, our emotions may be uncontrollable, and at times, unwarranted. But when tragedy hits, we are just like everybody else in that we suffer, and feel pain, but only its worse because we tend to have episodes on top of it. So reach out to your neighbor, your friend, your relative, your coworker; they need you. Never let a depressed person going through a rough patch handle things on their own. They can say leave me alone all they want, but take it from me, that is when they are going through the worst, and are thinking the worst (in regards to severe depressive episodes).

If anyone of my readers needs to reach out to me, I am here. Leave me a comment and let me know you want to talk if you have nobody. I created this blog as a way to reach out to those who suffer as I do. We will make it through.