Update: Post Breakdown

First and foremost, I would like to thank those of you who reached out kind words of encouragement and support.

Next, I would like to apologize for being gone so long. I really needed to take time to figure out the sources of the stress that triggered my meltdown.

A good friend of mine once said that we as people fail to realize that we can’t control the actions of those around us. Wise words, I decided to take them to heart and try to help alleviate my depressive state. Since my breakdown, I’ve taken steps to regain some sanity and control of my life. I’ve had to set a few people straight, and let a few people go to ensure that the environment surrounding me is stable. So far, it is still a work in progress, but much improved.

With the decreased amount of stress, I’m now hoping to have a more successful run with birth control, being that I decided to re-start my regimen as of this evening.

As always, I will keep you all updated with details, and, again, thanks to those of you who reached out. Again, if you need anything, feel free to let me know.

Breakdown.

I am having a nervous breakdown. Literally, right at this moment.

I want to be locked away in a room. I want to slit my wrists.

I am forcing myself to write this after sitting for 10 minutes and rocking back and forth.

I am having a nervous breakdown.

My whole world is falling apart. Everything.

Nobody wants to come through for me, but I go out of my way for them.

I was lied to by a man who has a girlfriend. I called his bluff and his so called “love” turned into being indecisive.

I am a side girl. A misfit. Unloved. Alone. Losing it.

I have nothing coherent going on in my head.

I want to be committed for a week in solitary confinement.

I cannot deal. I’m trying to, but I cannot deal.

I want to slit my wrists. I am having a nervous breakdown.

Don’t be like me. Don’t breakdown like me, if you are bipolar like me.

I can’t take it anymore. I am past going crazy. I am crazed. And lost. And unaware. And dead inside.

A nervous breakdown.

With Grief Comes Pain

As many of you know, last week, I suffered the loss of a family member. Actually two. So my apologies for being away for so long, but I am still here. But with the losses came a pretty nasty fall, as well as learned lessons.

Thursday night, I found out about a second person passing away for the week. I was distraught, and I just felt like I needed to distract myself. I ended up going out to a bar with a friend, and kind of knocking back a few drinks while people essentially tried to start up random comical conversations and instances of forced dancing. Most of the night, I sat at a booth, looking and feeling drained, but eventually I came out of my funk and was able to socialize. The alcohol was helpful, although we all know that sometimes this can cause more problems than aid. However, with the help of a good friend, I was able to keep my self destructive behavior at bay. After all, my observations show that often the caring of friends counteracts the onset of depressive feelings.

Friday night went a little differently. My roommate had just gotten a promotion, so she was in the party mode; inviting her circle of friends over (some whom which I can’t stand) for drinking, laughter, and all out celebration. Being that I sat in the house all day, I ended up with a mind full of morbid thoughts, which got me to the borderline of having a major depressive episode. Upon bringing her friends in, I felt the need to barricade myself in the room and just meditate to music, which didn’t help due to the noise drowning out my music, and the fact that people constantly tried to get me to join in the festivities. This in turn added feelings of irrational irritability to the depression, brewing a nasty concoction. By the next hour, I was crouched in fetal position in my bed with another violent psychotic episode, which had me biting bruises into my finger.

You see, my psychotic episodes seem to be brought on by multiple instances of large amounts of stress at one time. Like for instance, imagine a death, moving to a new home, divorce, and your car breaking down all happening within a month’s time. Think about how your average person would be feeling. Now exacerbate that by ten fold, and add uncontrollable impulses and hallucinations and you will know what it means to have one of my psychotic episodes. Its like having an out of body experience while dreaming a nightmare; a terrible something for anybody to experience.

Not having any control over my feelings and my actions, as well as the paranoia and hallucinations left me talking recklessly to people who were calling to see what I was doing for the evening. It got so bad that one “friend” had to back away and admit that he couldn’t handle dealing with episodes that bad.

Of course, I cannot get upset with anybody not being able to deal with them, especially if they are not really used to them. But what he and others who are dealing with similar introductions to episodes, know that the things we say and how we feel during those times aren’t exactly how we really feel at those times. Its like a lesser evil version of a demonic possession gone wrong to the point where you in and out gain consciousness and know what’s going on without being able to “make it stop”.

So as I always say, friends and family: please be patient with us as we go through it. Episodes are hard on everybody, but even harder on those who experience them.

As for those of you who have been going through episodes, both severe and lesser, try recording the events leading up to an episode and how you’re feeling during the episode (you can do this after you’ve come down from the emotional strain), and see if there are any preventative measures you can take in the future. I know for some of my episodes that are fueled by grief, it often helps for me to be surrounded by supportive people who like to hug and not badger me to talk it out unless I’m ready. Again, treatment is a trial and error type thing, and sometimes its hard to force ourselves to do things when we don’t have the energy or we don’t feel like we have the willpower to do them, but we must try. So for those sufferers, be strong. We can all get through this…and you will always have at least one person on your team at all times – me.

Day Two.

I made it. I made it through two days of grieving. Monday, I couldn’t even speak without being choked up. Today, I finally started to regain normalcy to my life.

A few cups of tea, a couple of upbeat albums, photoshop, and a pot of Sumatra later, I finally was able to sleep. I got about 4 hours of sleep, but it was better than none. At least I wasn’t bobbing one eye open everytime I would fall asleep.

So now, I’m just trying to gauge my recovery to see if I can hold my composure long enough through a funeral. Right now, I’m thinking no. There are no amounts of anything in the world that can make me comfortable around caskets (I have an unhealthy fear of the casket itself, as well as the work undertakers do). And yet, my decision is up in the air. I just know that even if I were to go, knowing that I’ll be seeing my mother crack up, and both her and my family not holding it together, I know I won’t be able to have my composure. I can only be strong for everyone so much; eventually I’ll need that strength there to help me through it.

But I will say at least that I have 3 awesome friends that have continuously checked on me and been supportive. Granted, it was all through phone calls and texts (whether they were working or out of state), it still counts for something. And they did manage to get me to laugh at some ridiculousness (did I mention how much I love my friends).

Man, I’m just glad that I was able to (with their help) bounce out of that unhealthy funk. But its a process, so even though my episode is over, there’s no telling if another one will come. And even if I don’t have another episode in the next week or so, its still going to take a lot of R&R to get me back 100%. I’ll just continue to pray on it.

I Made a Promise…

I made a promise to myself to blog when I’m feeling down. I’m feeling down.

I just lost a lifelong friend. She succumbed to cancer this morning at 4 am. I am devastated. I have not eaten nor drank anything. I’m refusing to verbally speak to someone, because every time I try, I get so choked up, I can’t speak. And here’s the kicker: I’m alone.

Forget all of the empty promises of “I’ll be there for you when you need me the most”. I just want to bury my head in someone’s lap and cry. My family all lives out of state. I do not have a boyfriend. None of my best friends even live in the state, and I’m very picky as to who I let touch me.

I humbled myself to ask a friend to take the time to reach out to me, and instead was reduced to “dealing with problems like every body else does”. This comes from the person who suffered a loss a month ago, and I was right there to be that shoulder.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all wanted to, or have reached out to a person who is less than receptive of our feelings. They disregard our emotions as if they are those of a child crying for candy. When we truly are bereaved for a reason, and not just based on a chemical imbalance, they are quick not to believe anything we say, and to point the finger calling us selfish for attention and considered unworthy of their time. We’ve all been through that person.

Some of us who suffer didn’t make it through that person. We didn’t have the strength to progress through the hurtful words and allegations. Morbid thoughts obsessively rush through our minds as we think of nobody else in the world being there, because we are alone: physically and mentally. We are so quick to want to end it all because when the real suffering hits, its a snowball effect into the worst possible depressive episode ever.

Yet, those who don’t suffer, don’t understand.

So those of you who are suffering through tragedy, don’t let those people get you down. They really are just in denial of their own problems, so they displace their feelings and their misguided guilt onto you so they don’t have to feel anything but numbness. Do not let them rule your emotions to the point where you devalue yourself and you start thinking suicide. They are not worth it. They are the real enemies of people like us: taking us for granted and toying with our trust. We all know people like that. And while they deserve a chance, like anybody else, their words are to be taken lightly when they are not those that are helpful.

And if you are friend to someone suffering through a tragedy, by all means reach out to them. The worst thing you can do is give a depressed person cyanide. Yes, at times we may come off needy, but trust, we don’t want to. Don’t judge us as who we are based on perceptions from our disease. Yes, our emotions may be uncontrollable, and at times, unwarranted. But when tragedy hits, we are just like everybody else in that we suffer, and feel pain, but only its worse because we tend to have episodes on top of it. So reach out to your neighbor, your friend, your relative, your coworker; they need you. Never let a depressed person going through a rough patch handle things on their own. They can say leave me alone all they want, but take it from me, that is when they are going through the worst, and are thinking the worst (in regards to severe depressive episodes).

If anyone of my readers needs to reach out to me, I am here. Leave me a comment and let me know you want to talk if you have nobody. I created this blog as a way to reach out to those who suffer as I do. We will make it through.

Somewhat of a Small Breakthrough.

So over the weekend, some not so great factors came into play to kind of be that kill joy to an otherwise end to a pretty darn awesome week. No need for me to go in detail, because we all have those unfortunate instances where things and people can set you off to irritability and depression. Of course, being bipolar, my irritability and depression tend to be a little more commonplace and leaning towards being extreme.

So by tonight, even after the sheer awesomeness of the Saints going to their first Super Bowl, and me seeing a friend that I haven’t seen in at least a year, by 11pm, I was feeling drained. I just wanted to alternate between theatrical crying and breaking things. The infamous emotional yo-yo; so misunderstood, but often treatable with the right kind of support. And that’s what I had. I vented to three good friends of mine (the usual suspects…lol), and instead of the “its going to be alright” speech, each of them provided me with something different. Friend #1 did the “if you react like this, it’s not going to do anything but make you feel worse”. She then helped me figure out what it was that I could do to completely take my mind off of things. Friend #2 allowed me to vent my frustrations, then tried to help me de-emotionalize (no, that’s not a word…) my take on the situations, and then help me decide on how and where I should channel my feelings. Friend #3 just said ridiculous things and had me reflecting until my mind was off of things and that I was laughing so hard, I forgot that I was even getting upset in the first place.

I know I cannot guarantee that those solutions will work for everyone and all of the time. But for the little things that really aren’t something that should get you upset (like petty arguments with roommates, flat tires, losing your lucky rubber band), then, hey, I may have found a starting point for entering battle.

Today.

Today, I learned things about myself.

I learned that I hate being alone. I also learned that since I’ve been honest with the world about what I’m going through, I have to cope with that fact that people now have a reason to turn their backs on me, in which they have.

I have learned that I wont allow people to love me. I keep fooling myself with things I say, but I honestly can’t fathom really what love is, because “love” has been given to me in many forms, including mental and verbal abuse.

I learned that my Dad is a sometimes person. Sometimes he’s proud of me, sometimes he’s not. I got an excellent job with benefits just from networking, and he despises of the fact I took that job. Yet, he is estatic about me doing decently at an interview (in which I don’t know if I got the job), for a job that has less hours, and less chances of movement, and he’s proud of that.

I learned that the only control I have granted myself in my life is that of chaos. When you live a bipolar life, everything is ups and downs; blacks and whites; completely randomized opposites. So to counteract the randomized instability from the yin yang, I take hold of the crazy in my life, and use it to stabilize whats going on. For instance, I never clean my room, because a messy room will always be messy if you don’t clean it. Stability within chaos.

I learned that when I haven’t had enough to eat, alcohol gets to me really fast, and stays in my system really long.

I mean I learned so much today about the world, and myself. But I have also come to learn about how my moods contrast with my mental state.

I go to bed wishing I were dead every night. Events play through my head about how I messed something up during a presentation, and how people find me incompatible, difficult, and just plain crazy. So the one person who thinks nothing like that of me (or so they say), I’m forcing out of my life through erratic behavior. Why? Because its a more stable than my stable situation coming in, and I’m refusing to acknowledge the slow transition. Sadly, my brain works on the “black and white” theory of  rationalizing.

So I end this evening knowing that I’ve made more mistakes than willingly, and fucked up alot of stuff along the way. I’ve hidden myself so much, to bring out the real me, is so new, that I don’t even know how to share myself without being an audiobook.

The Aftermath of an Episode.

Of all the posts, I would have to say that this will be the hardest one to share with the world.

Yesterday, I had a severe psychotic episode. I’ve had psychotic episodes before (as many with mood disorders), however, none have been so bad as they were this prior day.

So essentially, I went to sleep in the midst of a severe depressive episode (caused by the unmentionable drama that is brought into my life). I mean it was taking me forever to go to sleep, so I put on some slow mellow music to help, and I finally drifted off around 3. I woke up at 5:30 in a cold sweat. I was on laying on my back, and I couldn’t even roll over. It was like I had no control over my body; I tried to move, but every attempt made me feel like I needed to jump out of my skin. I was so jumpy, I started clawing at myself, trying to pull my skin off, and even pulling at my hair. I dug a gash into my wrist with my nails. Hell, I even started pawing at my eyeballs. All the while, I just kept trying to scream help, but I couldn’t. The few times I regained control of my hands, I managed to send a garbled text to a friend, who ended up concerned up until a few hours ago because of the severity.

As I would take deep breaths in, slowly, things would calm down. But then I would hear sounds: scratching, people walking past my window, unexplained knocks, essentially things that would set me off edge, and I’d be back to clawing at myself.

It was painful. I wanted to scream stop it. I kept trying to move and rollover and break the trance. But I couldn’t. It was like I was possessed. A scary occurrence for anybody, especially for someone who is trying to gain control of their emotions.

So if you have gone through something similar, I feel your pain, and no, you are not crazy. It happens. Stress triggers it. And if you are a friend/relative/lover of someone who is going through similar bouts, the best thing you can do is provide some sort of stability through constant support and comforting as they are dealing with said issues. It’s not easy losing all control, so don’t exacerbate the issue by ignoring it or punishing them for it. Remember, episodes are triggered by factors we don’t understand. Nobody wishes they were unstable emotionally, it just happens to be the hand of cards some of us were dealt. But if you truly care about someone, you can look past their disease and treat them as you would any other friend. We are still your everyday people who like everyday things. We just have different flaws than the rest of you.

Yet Another Episode…

…is leaving me frustrated for the first 10 minutes, then sunken into a deep depression. And being that I feel like I was left short-changed from this evening’s events (when you have no car, and no life for a week, staring at the walls, you can easily be set off by little things), didn’t really help the situation.

However, I’m seeing through the depression that my emotions are intolerable, which is probably why everybody has been hell bent on flaking out on me. People dodge me like the plague. All because I have uncontrollable emotions.

Hey, I see that I will be alone for the rest of my life or I will just have to keep moving around and making new friends/dumping them before they find out how unstable I am.

And I can kiss goodbye to any notion of love, relationships, anything. If my friends can’t stand me, what makes you think a man (or woman for that matter) can?

So I’m going to go to sleep alone again tonight and wallow in my uncontrollable depression, and try to keep myself above the water level with the constant reminder that I did just get an awesome job, in which I can actually hide my emotions.

Nightfall.

Somewhere between 11pm and 2 am, a dark cloud descends over my soul, causing severe depression, feelings of lonliness (I sleep alone), and a general sense of insomnia.

I never knew if it was the lack of sunlight or the lack of true companionship that causes it. I occasionally let my cat sleep with me, but that usually proves disastrous, since she thinks my cranium is the most comfortable spot in the bed. Of course, this is besides the point.

Just another notation of episode frequency. At least my hormones are starting to balance themselves out sans the birth control.